4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….
You Might Also Like
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
My wife is napping quietly and the villain of this story is about to be this sneeze.
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
Any time I throw up, I stare at it like I’m getting a message from the past.
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
*tapes picture of my missing milk carton to the side of your child*
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
when people give me directions and they’re like “you can’t miss it” i’m like, oh you do not know what i’m capable of
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!