4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….
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Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
I love when a chef refers to themself as “fearless.” Like, are those figs on that sandwich? Calm down, Napoleon
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
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I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.