4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
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what do you want!!!!!!!!
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
My husband just spent 10 minutes looking for a baseball hat that was on his head. I would have said something, except where’s the fun in that?
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
when I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume.
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.