4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
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“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
I’m just going to flip my omelette here
Anddddddddd
I’m actually having scrambled eggs now
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)