Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry I said you and your husband look related.

I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome

Me: i’m so hungover.

Wife: what do you need?

Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.

Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*

kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up

me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ

So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”

asking my doctor to give me the Marilyn Manson rib removal surgery to make more room for the hotdog eating contest

Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.

How all things should be taught/explained.

Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club

Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would

imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee is just floating.

Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building

Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…

Witch: …but?

REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around

W: I’ll take it

Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.

You’ve got two basic kinds of people — people who move towards weird sounds and people who move away from them.

Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.

Instant pancake mix box: just add water

Me: sounds easy

Oh no, too thick [adds more water]

Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes

Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”

best heckle of my life. I just did the setup to a joke and a drunk lady in the front shouts out “that’s too niche!”

Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.

Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.

When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”

I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension

[ First day as a British comedy account ]

I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.

Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.

ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you

Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss

Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted

I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.

Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.