Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I know a bad idea when I see one.

[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?

I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”

evil queen: would you like an apple?

me [is snow white]: nah not really

evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!

me: meh, even so

[autopsy]

Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever

Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it

my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?

Life Lessons From Cats:

• take more naps

• rules were meant to be broken

• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared

• always demand respect

• if you have an itch, scratch it

• find joy in the simple things

• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it

hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?

me: hell yeah

girl: how about your address?

me: oh for sure, come by

girl: and your mother’s maiden name?

me: wait what

Oh no

I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.

Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”

Doctor: “40”

When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.

Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.

Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute

Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?

13-year-old: Not that I remember.

Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?

13: I’d rather not.

I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.

It’s 97 degrees outside and my kids want to sit in the hot tub. The devil needs to come pick up his children

Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!

me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?

Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.

hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities

Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.

Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over

[filing for legal name change]

Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?

Me: I was owned pretty badly on line

Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs

[first day as life guard]

guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!

me: *moving my arms* like this but in water

How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?

Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”

“That’s close enough…”

~Government worker

my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house

Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.