Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community

If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.

There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-

Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.

I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.

Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.

Nobody:

NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!

Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?

No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.

[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”

I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.

I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.

When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…

Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy

I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.

Trains are just sideway elevators.

♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫

“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”

*Every other site goes down*

“Guess who’s back…back again.”

I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name

I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.

I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.

I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.

wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep

Washing instructions: Hand wash only.

Me: We’ll see about that.

I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!

My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?

GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.

Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions

Werent we promised soylent green by now?

If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.

said in every police drama ever

– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin