4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
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I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
All generalizations are stupid.
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first