4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
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I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
Normalize asking if this is an intervention whenever someone invites you over
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby