Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first date]

him: I’m a cat person.

me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand

No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.

ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house

God: you’re an amphibian.

Frog: what does that mean?

God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.

Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?

God: no that’s not what I-

Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.

😂

Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.

*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are

Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.

Me:He was much better at fighting than me.

Police:Ok is there anything else?

Just overheard at the library:

“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”

When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.

TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?

ME: *hand up*

TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.

ME: *hand down*

Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.

Choose your seat? $10 fee

Check a bag? $30 fee

Want a pilot? $50 fee

It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.

Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.

I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions

How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee

My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm

*wins $1000*

To claim your prize, create an account and password.

Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.

To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.

Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.

Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?

Because the rest were not-E.

(doing standup routine)

Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!

Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!

No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.

I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.

[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?

Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —

Satan: I have a girlfriend.

Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.

-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.

[Robbery]
– Give me everything you have!
– I’ve only got this defective set of scales.
– Just hand it over!
– You’ll never get a weigh with this.

Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation

Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back