Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s nice that the nations of the world have all agreed that movie tickets should be half price on Tuesdays. Something to build on as we forge a global consciousness

Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*

Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!

When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.

Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son

Me: I dunno probably street fighter

I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.

Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.

Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.

Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x

I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot

Love thy neighbor’s dog

There should be a safe word for small talk:

“So how about this weather we’re hav -”

“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”

Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.

Me: Thanks, you look good too.

The kindergarten people are so short

-my kid, after one day of being a first grader

My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.

I said it must be my weekend immune system.

The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.

Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”

And he can, he can hold them all.

Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.

Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake

A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.

I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes

Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.

me: can I get a hug?

bartender: *checking cocktail list*

Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.

I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts

Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.

911 – 911 what’s your emergency

Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV

911 – ….

Me – I don’t know our emergency number

My kid put a bright flashlight up to his eye so naturally my response was to say, “Hey, I worked too hard to make that eye just for you to ruin it.”

Smile Twitter, Smile.

Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.

My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.