4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)
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Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
Still cracks me up
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
Had to try this trend 😊
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
I love reading newspaper websites. The screen refreshing on its own 3 times in quick succession, the text disappearing halfway down the article, a random video advert suddenly filling the screen, the whole page unexpectedly closing for no reason. Great experience.
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things