Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.

“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”

–Pluto, the former planet

I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito

to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂

to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂

Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.

Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?

Dinner Date: I love Youtube.

Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.

My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.

[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.

I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???

The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.

The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.

ME: is he always this quiet

WIDOW: *sobs harder*

Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call

Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?

jacob when he finds out that his love interest is bella’s literal baby

Me gasping and flipping off the vultures as they circle above the running track

You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids

*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*

*I’m still not sure*

Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.

My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.

Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?

Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…

Me: *loads nutrigun*

Cashier: What the heck?

I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model

trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card

Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..

One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.

Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.

Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.

GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED

*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*

If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet

Right next to the beer fridge