4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
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I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
Heard there was a new crazy RFK Jr story and then looked it up and was like, “Oh. He just had an affair.”
That’s normal terrible rich guy shit. I thought I was gonna find out he tried to put a gorilla in a Han Solo carbonite machine or something.
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
Most Common Source of Electricity
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
I’m such a sucker for a sports movie. I want the team to win so bad… but then it seems like they won’t… omg they did it
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.
earlier I was standing in a queue to get into a show with my producer and she pointed at someone and said, “that’s Gerard Butler” and I sort of did a friendly wave at him, because I didn’t know who Gerard Butler was and I thought he was maybe one of her friends
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead