4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
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I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
The rain is falling sideways here right now and the biting wind is freezing. Margo from catering has been staring through the window for the past hour, absolutely transfixed. I should probably unlock the door and let her in.
#StormAshley
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.