Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They should invent a self-checkout where someone else scans the items and puts them in a bag.

I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.

The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.

A manager I worked with when I worked in fast food told us.
There was this one kid who didn’t show up for work. He ditched work often, so the manager called around, and couldn’t get anyone to fill in his shift, so she had to fill it for him.
A few hours into his shift, the dude ditching SHOWS UP, with his friends, and orders food from that manager. She fired him on the spot

I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.

They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.

Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?

all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.

Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”

“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”

“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”

“You’re missing the point.”

“That’s the idea!”

Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.

[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass

[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer

Them: who ya gonna call

Me: ghostbusters

Them: sweet, what’s the number

Me: they didn’t say

One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.

“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.

The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.

Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?

Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?

Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water

I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead

Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?

The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎

Tip for drowning your enemies:

Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.

[aliens dissecting humans]

alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol

alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it

alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this

Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth

“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”

“Son, that happens everywhere!”

I made some fish tacos today…

But they just ignored them and swam away…

toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise

What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?

AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car

I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?