4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
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Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
I basically called this earlier today
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused