Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…

[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!

*kid faints*

I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.

We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.

I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate

6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?

Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–

6: –Oh, were you there?!

Me:

Friend: I’m gonna’ drop by.
Me: Sorry, my house is in the shop right now.

Me: c’mon get back in the car

Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no

Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.

Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…

For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.

If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.

Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.

Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!

It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.

I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.

I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.

You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees

Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.

SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs

SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough

covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.

*at picnic*

Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.

My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.

Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.

German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”

My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.

So annoying when she does this every week.

Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.

Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!

[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]

HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??

My mom: [sighs]

Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.