4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
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[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
No. YOU-buprofen.
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?
Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?
Me: Yes.
Husband:
Me:
Husband: No, I did not.
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.