Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?

Chuck E. Cheese: Just one

Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you

Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.

I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.

Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”

interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired

me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood

When I was a kid, I literally thought “This little pig went to market” meant it went shopping.

Me: Screams into the void

Void: screams back

Me: Screams into void again

Void:

Me:

Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you

When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts

Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.

I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.

There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.

Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?

Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.

me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol

waiter:

me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha

waiter: where are ur clothes

If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”

My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.

I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’

In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.

[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this

running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.

In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket

Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him

If you get butterflies in your stomach

You should probably stop eating insects

“and it goes without saying…”

*proceeds to say it*

“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever

If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.

[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”

Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”

Doctor: “How often does this occur?”

Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”

Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.

Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.

reading about the new film megapolis and it said that “audrey plaza plays wow platinum and shia labeouf plays clodio pulcher” and i panicked for a second that i’d had a stroke