4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
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Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
I’ve just taken a tablet that completely erases your memory of the last 24hrs.
What was I thinking?
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
Been escorted out of the building of Global IT for unplugging something so I could plug in my George Foreman grill
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
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People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
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Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D