4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
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Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
How can I say no to this ?
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Asked my mom what her birthday plans were and she told me she’s disappointed In me bc I don’t have a wife?? 💔
Correlation???
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
Girlfriend: Babe would you still love me if I was human?
Me: Of course ba…wait, what?
*Her jaw unhinges*
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
If we start dating now, we could be feeding each other deviled eggs on Thanksgiving, and breaking up before we have to exchange gifts for Christmas.
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.