Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:

– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pens

What year does he live in??

You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.

Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.

If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.

Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.

With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.

My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with

When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”

my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill

me: *just sitting there all 40*

[interview]

What’s your greatest weakness?

ME: Probably avoiding tough questions

Can you elaborate on that?

ME: Oh hey look at the time!

I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.

You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3

“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”

You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles

Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.

What fresh Hell is this?!?

You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.

My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?

Nope.

Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.

What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.

I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores

If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.

Allegiant airlines charges for a glass of water but you know what’s free? Ice. Now we wait.

if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun

God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL

Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*

If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath

So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend

Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat

[an eagle shrieks in the distance]