Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich

I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.

Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.

Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”

Oceanography is all about current events

Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!

Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!

Parents: lol no we meant a real job.

It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated

Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody

*Viewing apartments

Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…

Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts

Me: What’s your name please?

Customer: Hal

Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?

Customer: Harold

Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah

Boss: Could you ever just don’t?

everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.

[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg

Just a phase…

My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”

when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job

KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks

ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog

I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet

This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun

To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.

Stop feeding it!

#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning

How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?

The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together

Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.

The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.

Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.

#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes

Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!

Cobra: the what

Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.

Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.

Can’t. Just put my hair in a bun and that’s just about enough exercise for today.

How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together

Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.

*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*