Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside

Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.

My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:

boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls

I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…

waiting for me in the fridge at home.

“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans

“Deal.” — Mother Nature

What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?

I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.

I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.

Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.

Me: These are my legs.

You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!

[amusement park]

me: *arms up, screaming*

cashier: but that is the price

just gave my 5yo power of attorney

It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”

[on a first date]

Her: I don’t like guns

Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*

Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog

[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.

My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”

When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.

me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd

my kids: what’s a cd?

me: *dies of old age*

Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”

I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.

And a Czech one too.

[day 7 of quarantine]

zzz
　＜⌒／ヽ-､_＿
／＜_/＿＿＿＿／
￣￣￣￣￣￣￣

　　　∧_∧　oh no
　　 (　･ω･) im late for work
　 ＿|　⊃／(＿＿_
／　└-(＿＿＿_／
￣￣￣￣￣￣￣

　＜⌒／ヽ-､_＿ lol
／＜_/＿＿＿＿／
￣￣￣￣￣￣￣

5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.

2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.

Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?

3yo: No.

Hubs: Is that a new one?

3yo: Yes.

Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?

3yo: …Yes.

Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.

Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.

Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me

A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”

He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.

Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.