4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
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Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
{during sex}
him: i’m sorry, did you just say “faster, papa smurf”
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
Nurse: “This may hurt.”
Me: “June hasn’t been much fun either.”
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…