Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.

How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8

AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”

Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.

It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.

WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know

What do you call a cow that eats your grass?

A lawn moo-er.

Called it

There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.

*sinks into depression*

Depression: “Wrong hole.”

Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.

My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.

On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.

I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!

Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?

Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat

I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.

Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?

Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there

Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.

It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!

a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians

Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.

[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re here

me: no

interviewer: very good

Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind

She’s 11.

me: do you know what sarcasm is?

daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father

me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…

me: [has anything]

my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that

not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.

[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”

[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”

I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them