Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?

taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee

mobster: *choking me with garrote*

me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol

Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong

waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot

me:

waiter:

me: lmao

waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u

me: oh definitely

The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.

Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.

Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.

My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.

I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.

Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.

Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.

This is bullshit!

I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.

Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much

Not my fess but my dentists. As a kid I hated cleaning my teeth, my dentist asked for a few mins to explain it to me, dad left us alone. Dentist pulled out pliers and proper threatened to pull all my teeth out if I had one single cavity next appointment. It worked. Psycho.

ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²

DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*

me: did you hear chappell roan sold out. she’s an industry plant. she’s a nepo

my wife: the baby’s crying

me: as he should be. it’s upsetting

Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.

[autopsy]

Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever

[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people

If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.

You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.

*dog pokes me with nose*

*stop, it’s late*

(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)

*ugh, ok*

[sets up poker table for him and his friends]

“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”

“Brochure”

Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency

Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah

Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?

Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.

“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.

my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on

I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.

[after dinner]

Me: I can’t eat another bite.

Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*

[smallpox]

Only 1890’s kids will get this