Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.

applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist

I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!

My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation

Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid

I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.

My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood

My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.

There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.

*Do not consume if seal is broken*

I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.

forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this

FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same

I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.

Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.

Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.

My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going

Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
 
Him: don’t you mean desert?
 
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}

For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.

A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.

[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*

[knock on door]

JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?

ME (hates gossip): no

Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.

Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.

Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-

Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!

Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.

*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*

“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”

I would give up shouting at trees for you.

I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.

Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds

*Checks typos in the mail before sending*

*Checks again, to be sure*

*Clicks on Send*

*Goes to sent mails*

There’s a typo in the Subject

Gonna turn my life around!

[10 min later]

Oh well, I tried.