Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time

20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels

…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.

Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.

I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/

I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”

My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch

One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.

Me: *on the computer*

9-year-old: What are you doing?

Me: Registering you for school.

9: I thought we were friends.

When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.

I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.

I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.

ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.

THERAPIST: That’s horrible.

ME: Yeah.

THERAPIST:

ME:

THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?

There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.

good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here

bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it

good cop: god he is so bad at everything

My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.

Kids are so inquisitive.

“Will robots ever take over the world?”

Me: “Almost certainly.”

“But when? Before I die?”

“A bit before, yes.”

I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call

I think my concept of time is way off since the pandemic started. Every day I see something like “happy 57th anniversary to the premiere of Two and a Half Men”.

Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.

Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones

Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT

My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.

That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button

student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.

I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout

bias laundering edition

I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes

Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.

Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.

the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room