Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi

[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly

*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]

*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*

is this a warning or an offer?

Me: *on the computer*

9-year-old: What are you doing?

Me: Registering you for school.

9: I thought we were friends.

“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”

The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.

Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.

My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT

(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*

Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized

do you like my signals
I mixed them myself

What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.

What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.

The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.

Hello Twits.

Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”

Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”

M: “This. This is why.”

R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live

CDC: Exactly

R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before

CDC: Uh, okay?

R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work

CDC: NO

Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*

Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here

Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw

Terminally online people getting ready to drop the VP pick in the group chat the second it’s announced.

Me: I’m here for my photoshoot

X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that

Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”

Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.

Or met people.

Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean

[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara

Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.

you’re damn right i have

Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..

INTERLOCKED FINGERS?

send bail money!

DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!

ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!

FAMINE: What did you expect?

ME: lol

WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!

ME: you want a sugar cube?

FAMINE:… Yes

There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.