Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.

Me: I was just killing time

Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim

When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.

Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what

Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?

TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess

My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….

Flirting is easy!

True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.

I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.

Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”

The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.

[comedy club]

Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!

Other worms: *silence*

Early bird: *cracking up*

Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…

There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.

Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!

me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?

*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape

Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan

Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off

me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!

coworker: no problem!

[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r

My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?

you should be able to donate somebody else’s body to science

Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor

I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”

Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.

Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.

#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.

Must be a covid thing.

Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.