Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.

i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”

It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.

#SaturdayBears

[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”

me, angry: I’m LEAVING-

doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*

I stepped away from Twitter for a few days, and now my entire house is decluttered, I’ve written a novel, I learned to speak a new language, and came close to finding out the true meaning of life.

Maine is beautiful and calm.

Stephen King: Hold my balloon.

[high school reunion]

“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”

No that was Tyler.

Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.

Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.

gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination

Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt

This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.

1st package: elaborate ribbon! precision corners! glittering magnificence!
4th: wrapping paper, some tape
15th: plastic grocery bag, staples

I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.

Mine in the November 4, 2024 issue of The New Yorker

Good luck finding a wedding photo better than this

[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!

Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.

The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?

If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.

It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.

Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair

*finally detangles ear buds

*plane lands

Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.

1% battery…..

Because I like to live on the

The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s

I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.

Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.