4yo was mad that I sang the “wrong” lyrics to his version of Baby Shark. Then:
4yo: Mommy, I’m sorry I was rude to you.
Me (🥺): Oh, baby, thank you for apologizing. I forgive you.
4yo: Now YOU say YOU are sorry.
Me: …why?
4yo: 😠 Of being RUDE and singing the WRONG WORDS.
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
Can anyone recommend some basic intrusive thoughts for someone looking to get into anxiety?
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
When you accidentally say french kiss instead of chef’s kiss to the server and now you can never show your face in that restaurant again.
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!
While a big fan overall, I always found the Chipmunks’ instrumental songs sort of pointless.
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
