4yo was mad that I sang the “wrong” lyrics to his version of Baby Shark. Then:
4yo: Mommy, I’m sorry I was rude to you.
Me (🥺): Oh, baby, thank you for apologizing. I forgive you.
4yo: Now YOU say YOU are sorry.
Me: …why?
4yo: 😠 Of being RUDE and singing the WRONG WORDS.
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍
When I was a kid, Mom always wanted me to come to dinner immediately, even if I was playing a game. If I complained, she would say “I don’t care if Mario dies!” Which is probably why my neighbor Mario stopped coming over to play basketball.
The train announcer just said we should keep our personal belongings with us at all times but I’ve left most of mine at home.
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
[my wife wants an expensive audi]
ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each
HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?
ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each
[an hour later]
ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.
The scariest pumpkins ever 😵🤣🎃
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
