4yo was mad that I sang the “wrong” lyrics to his version of Baby Shark. Then:
4yo: Mommy, I’m sorry I was rude to you.
Me (🥺): Oh, baby, thank you for apologizing. I forgive you.
4yo: Now YOU say YOU are sorry.
Me: …why?
4yo: 😠 Of being RUDE and singing the WRONG WORDS.
You Might Also Like
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
Icarus loved hot wings.
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.