4yo was mad that I sang the “wrong” lyrics to his version of Baby Shark. Then:
4yo: Mommy, I’m sorry I was rude to you.
Me (馃ズ): Oh, baby, thank you for apologizing. I forgive you.
4yo: Now YOU say YOU are sorry.
Me: …why?
4yo: 馃槧 Of being RUDE and singing the WRONG WORDS.
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Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
Best table by far
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn鈥檛 had a phone for long but he鈥檚 somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
I asked my 5yo why he didn鈥檛 eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there鈥檚 any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
If you鈥檙e smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It鈥檚 okay if you say no. There鈥檚 probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary