4yo was mad that I sang the “wrong” lyrics to his version of Baby Shark. Then:
4yo: Mommy, I’m sorry I was rude to you.
Me (🥺): Oh, baby, thank you for apologizing. I forgive you.
4yo: Now YOU say YOU are sorry.
Me: …why?
4yo: 😠 Of being RUDE and singing the WRONG WORDS.
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
this site is so cooked lol
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
saving face 👀
My patience has stretch marks.
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
Every time I hear a mean joke about being Canadian, I go to the hospital and get my feelings checked for free.
🤪😜
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
A woof in sheep’s clothing.
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
