4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
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Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
Incredible customer service.
How to make infinite energy.
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
The three genders
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?