Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

her: *gets on knees*

me: oh yeah

her: *goes down to all fours*

me: oh yeah

her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*

me: oh no

I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.

IT: I’m hanging up

Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy

IT: *dial tone*

Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*

Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.

[visiting America]

Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?

America: sure is

Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch

America: lmao nope

Another mom asked me if I had found the big L on my kids’ heads yet. I got super offended thinking she was calling my kids losers. It was lice. She was talking about lice.

if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.

Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.

A wee field mouse has been showing up at my door every few days for the last 2 weeks. He’s very polite. I say please go the other way, buddy! And he always does. Anyway, today my neighbor saw me telling him goodbye as he scurried off, so now I have to move.

If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.

If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.

A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.

Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.

Thanks for coming to my TED talk.

You didn’t say anything.

Yes, you’re welcome.

Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this

I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.

I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.

There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.

The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.

Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?

Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…

I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente

Football Team: Huddle up!

Me: Mm, this is nice

FT: Who are you

Me: So warm, so snug

FT: Break. Break now!

Me: Don’t go nice man-castle

I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,

ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?

SUPER FAT ANT: the who?

Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.

When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.

Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.

I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.

I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.