4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
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Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
It’s funny how my husband always talks me into going out to eat on the days I say I’m making salad for dinner.
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
one of my colleagues is just one of my absolute favourite people. a patient brought us in homemade strawberry and cream cupcakes as an apology for being rude earlier, and my colleague just finished hers, licked her lips, dropped the paper in the bin and announced to the world ‘A F****N’ ENJOYED THAT, SORCHA. SOMEONE ANNOY HER AGAIN’
I love her
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.