Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.

It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.

My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.

If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.

I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out

COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.

Bob the Builder: can we fix it?

Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.

I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.

I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.

My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.

*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*

DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!

My biological clock is wheezing.

I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.

can we all find some common ground and just agree that if anything should be illegal it’s 1ply toilet paper

you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.

A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent

me: I need a really lengthy snake

pet shop guy: how many feet?

me: none

When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.

I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.

For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!

Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences

Judge: No

The human personality is made of five key elements

Saw the washing machine only had 6 minutes left so I decided to wait in the basement until it was done. That was 4 hours ago.

Yeah I can explain that gap on my resume – I tried to move a picture in Word

003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?

– 4 Non Bonds

Still my favorite headline of all time:

“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”

hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-

Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.