Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation

me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey

*dangling legs in the ocean*

🦈: is for me 👉👈🥺

me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar

balloon animal guy: ok

Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.

Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶

My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.

The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.

Stop having all the sex, what if we run out

Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.

7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭

Dr: What are some of your hobbies?

“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”

Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.

The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.

Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*

Spider: noooooooooo

Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.

There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything

I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals

About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.

I love when a chef refers to themself as “fearless.” Like, are those figs on that sandwich? Calm down, Napoleon

13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.

Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL

[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heart

My date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?

Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP

‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥

Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.

Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.

“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”

tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness

me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this

Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection

My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing

My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.

My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no

The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.