4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
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I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
Running from your problems is cardio .
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
I just walked into the garage barefoot and my husband said “will you please go put on shoes? For heaven’s sake, you sleep in those feet!” And I’m so confused.
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
Short story
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
You COULD say Twitter is like Group Therapy, however that would imply people are getting better,… and that just doesn’t hold water.
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.