[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
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~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
Noah
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”