Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER

[tightening roller skates]

“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”

*turns on alarm*

Alarm: I have a headache

I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.

Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.

<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.

I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.

10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?

Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.

10: What’s it like to live in denial?

It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.

So I got her a bag of peas.

Why is every bar trivia host hell bent on asking questions that I can’t the answer? Like I literally know the answers to sooo many questions and I could prove it if only they gave me a goddamn chance

Wait a minute…

ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.

BOSS: I love that

ME: My fir babies

HER: Get out

I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes

Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?

Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.

We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.

~ The Disclaimers.

*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”

Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.

Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.

When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.

Keep it mysterious, ladies…

Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.

Him: Do you want your receipt?

My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window

Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.

You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider

Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.

I’ve texted someone to ring me on the train purely so I can answer and say: “I can’t talk – I’m on the quiet coach.” All this to send a passive-aggressive message to the talkers around me. Tragic. British. Petty.

Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby

*watching any crime show*

He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.

THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW

Naked and Afraid,

but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.

CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm