4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
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[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
Wife: Don’t leave knives out near the kitchen door. What if a burglar broke in and used it?
Me *patiently explains why this is ridiculous*[later]
Me *being stabbed to death by burglar using our kitchen knife* “please dont! Use something else! Anything else!”
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!
My cat: Meow
Yes I know we have all the DVDs…
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here