Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?

Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams

Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop

No crypto for me thanks, at least not until I figure out how dollars work.

A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.

So I peed on her

Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?

HIM: Are you mad at me?

ME: No.

HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.

ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.

I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time

“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.

WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick

ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.

Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man

Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-

Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*

My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.

Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.

I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.

man i love columbo

I need to go to jail for about 18 months to catch up on all my reading.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

My resolutions are:

1) Stop making any lists.

B) Be more stable.

7) Learn to count.

– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?

kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it

I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff

WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol

[typing]

Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?

The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.

I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.

me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no

This could be us, but you weedin’.

Customer: We are never coming back!

Me: Promise?

Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*

Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine

Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why

I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.

Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.