Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.

My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.

I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool

nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple

[crumpled up paper on floor]

*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…*

*leaves it*

“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.

prepare for carbonated trouble

I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.

Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace

went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes

Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.

I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st

manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)

I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.

I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.

she would like to bark at the manager, please.

“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”

[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane

Me: Did we get a bunch of new cups?

Wife: No. Our daughter brought them all down from her room.

Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?

7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten

Qualifications for local sewer clown are pretty simple: dress the part, fit in a storm drain and be willing to work for screams.

[Home Depot]

“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”

Clerk: Oh, with a little head?

“Nah, just verbally”

anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.

Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.

[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”

Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.

You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.

Thinking about stepping down from being an adult, I’m just not in the right headspace for this position right now.
I really appreciate the opportunity though.

“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.

[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man