Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope

6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet

6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry

6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?

Me: one admission please

Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home

I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.

If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread

Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.

Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.

I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops

Two things you need to know about me:

1. I am hung over.

2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.

*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh

Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.

and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work

“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?

11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house

I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!

Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.

In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder

I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit

when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting

Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work

Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.

So Disappointed.

“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*

“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”

And then?

“Cheese.”

Mmmm and then?

“You close the door from outside.”

A manager I worked with when I worked in fast food told us.
There was this one kid who didn’t show up for work. He ditched work often, so the manager called around, and couldn’t get anyone to fill in his shift, so she had to fill it for him.
A few hours into his shift, the dude ditching SHOWS UP, with his friends, and orders food from that manager. She fired him on the spot

there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”

Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!

[ gets death tarot card ]

me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad

blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad

Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs

“There are way too many people in there.”

~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo

If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.

probably should have split this into two separate stories guys

If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”