4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
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Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
The waitstaff is making TikTok’s with my food at this restaurant I can see them doing it please I’m starving
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
Just tried a “sorry this is my first day” to a customer’s question and he was like I saw you here two weeks ago!
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
What even happened today?
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
Never deleting this app.
A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
set yourself free xox
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
