4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
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the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
Lady in the park:
Your baby is dressed beautifully what’s the occasion
Me: she’s about to go into the next size so I’m making t sure she’s worn things at least once 😂
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.