4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
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Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
Them: Grandpa, tell me about the 90’s
Me: Well, first of all, all the bizkits were limp
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
When he asks for feet pics
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.