Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”

The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.

There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.

Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.

ant-man: im here to stop u

bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]

ant-man: motherf

me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong

waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good

me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow

henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back

My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.

Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.

Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”

Overheard:

The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.

Surgeon: scalpel.

[patient hands him scalpel]

Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.

When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.

Chickens only make one sound, because they can’t think outside the bawks.

Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*

Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice

Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.

I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.

Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries

I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.

Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?

FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.

My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.

[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this

My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person

My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.

This meme is a joke but also life-changing advice if taken to heart

Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.

“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.

Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.

Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.

The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.