Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.

Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”

Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”

This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.

The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.

Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??

I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.

[CPR dummy coming home from work]

WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?

DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job

Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.

The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot

The office gossip approached me to say one of the eligible work bachelors was “asking about me” my very normal reaction was to blurt “tell him he’s too good for me!” and scurry away. Then throwing out a “I’m forbidden to wed!” So I think I’ll remain romantically retired for now.

I deal with my problems in the order they were received.

Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.

customs agent:
Anything to declare?

me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.

They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.

Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack

Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs

Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome

i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles

my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”

Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.

do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes

have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely

Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏

ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember

[Planning a heist]

ME: Did you scope the place out?

PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards

ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs

You: Wow, check out that cool dog

Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area

Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special

Husband: Deal

Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker

While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.

I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.

Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said

Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.

Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t