4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
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Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
quitting my job to pursue my true passion: not having a job
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
I Can’t Tonight…
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
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I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
Boss: Any ideas to make the workplace better
Me: Alcohol would be nice
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college