4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
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Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
how high up are we talkin’?
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.