Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy

Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich

TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT

Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’

Me: You’ll never take me alive.

Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.

Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum

“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?

“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”

That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.

lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”

You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?

That’s how I’m handling adulthood.

He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh

Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget

It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.

STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??

ME: *slowly stands up*

Being a baby must be scary, imagine sleeping at home & you wake up at TJMAXX

This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.

Pretty ironic if you ask me.

I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.

Me: I’m sick. Do we have any ginger ale?
Wife: No, just ginger beer.
Me: Does it work the same?
Wife: I don’t know.

[9 Moscow Mules later]

Me [on front lawn, naked except for a cowboy hat]: IT WERKS BETTAH

A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese

{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?

Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.

Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.

I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.

sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”

Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler

My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.

In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?

is it too early for christmas memes

him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]

me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]

[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay