*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
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Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
I’m soirée for my mispronunciation of French words.
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
me: if you string several jason statham movies together in a row you’ll discover that they’re just one long commercial for kicking.
the priest giving me communion: have you tried becoming a mormon?
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
the rocks need my help
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though