Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.

me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?

me: stop calling me names!

bully: shut up names

I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.

Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”

I would like even faster food.

I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.

me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia

therapist: you might be getting carried away

me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight

i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.

[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]

ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it

*elephant crushes car*

why did I name you Stompy

(putting my jacket over a woman’s shoulders) I’m actually really cold now haha. It’s ok though. Oh wow it’s super cold. Oh my god

INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?

5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh

I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch

Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato

I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.

When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you

My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.

Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.

Then they finished in eight.

Top 5 forms of torture

5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro

My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now

Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?

I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.

Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week

Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”

[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.

Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?

*meanwhile across town*

Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.

ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.

DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro

Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.

Kids will really get mad and tell you Mom don’t ever do THAT again, and THAT is just sending fruit in their school lunch

Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.