5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
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Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
just great. my first shift as a secret service agent and i overslept :/ hopefully nothing bad happened
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
If you’re riding a bike in New York City it means you care about your health …. Riding one here in Tennessee it means you got a DUI.
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself
the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.
he taught us drama alright.
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*