5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
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-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
Everyone says “Do what makes you happy”, until you push them down the stairs.
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
Not today
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already