Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.

Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat

Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?

Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.

No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.

I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.

walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?

me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR

Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away

I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.

*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*

Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.

Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.

I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.

My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book

Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.

Understand men, or die trying.

Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.

Or tweet trying, to understand men.

“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”

waiter : here’s your bread for the table

table : nom nom nom delicious

America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.

I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night

My daughter asked why I drink so much beer

I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol

If I had two brownies, I’d give you one

little corner off of one

[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were here

pizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less

If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.

Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!

Firefighter:

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7

They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles

The Ninja Turtles corner him

Mario jumps on them all

*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.

It’s just a flesh wound…

*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*

judas: hey man want to come out to last supper

jesus: what?

judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free

wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing

I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.