5, 6, 7, 8 is the LMNOP of the numbers
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Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries