5, 6, 7, 8 is the LMNOP of the numbers
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If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?
Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?
Expectant Parent:
Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”