5, 6, 7, 8 is the LMNOP of the numbers
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Look, if you’re worried about hidden cameras in your Airbnb, just send me in ahead of time. I’ll put on a little show in every room, and the owner will pull any and all hidden cameras no sweat.
Filling animals with helium is kinda weird, but whatever floats your goat.
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
just great. my first shift as a secret service agent and i overslept :/ hopefully nothing bad happened
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
I’m writing a book of obitchuaries for all the people who are dead to me
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
White parent Vs Arab parents
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French