5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
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Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
For the record, saying somebody of the same sex is handsome or pretty or attractive does not make you seem gay at all, but prefacing that statement with “I’m not gay but…” kinda does
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
I asked the waiter how he was doing, and he told me all about his bad gas and hemorrhoids. Ugh, that’s the last time I go to TMI Friday’s.
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
What?!?
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
