Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t forget to tip your server

Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire

Me: Almost never.

Her: Oh that’s a relief.

Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)

breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.

Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.

-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-

me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now

Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.

Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.

[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*

It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!

*Goes to work*

*Punches clock*

*Gets fired for breaking clock*

13: *walking into room*

Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.

13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*

Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.

My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!

Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-

Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*

Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?

Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.

FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.

me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”

Interviewer: What skills do you have?

Me: Mind control

Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB

The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire

Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie

Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this

[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS

[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”

politician: i don’t get it

Me: Did you use my highlighter?

2-year-old:

Me:

2:

Me:

2: No.

Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.

WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.

ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.

*Adorns new baby with:

Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*

They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!

No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.

My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.

Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.