Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.

The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed

HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same

“No!”

-An A to Z guide to parenting.

I saw The Blair Witch Project way too young and it made me afraid of projects

[First prison riot]

Me: *guarding my toilet wine*

[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”

Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”

mumsnet is amazing

Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!

A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years

Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.

Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy

But should I sneeze on him just for fun?

I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.

What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?

Same middle name.

My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”

She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face

“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”

“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”

“

ME: can I ask one last question

FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot

[gunshots]

FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck

Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet

ME: welcome to my man cave.

PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.

The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.

We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.

Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen

I cannot definitively say, even after all I’ve seen, that I would not visit Jurassic Park

I have a new favorite meme page

Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”

Roombas should bark

While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!

[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.

*zoom meeting*

Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion

Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening

I need someone to wring out my brain like a dishrag

Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.

Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.