Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?

Because he had no acetol

There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .

If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.

Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed

Me: by Spider-Man?

Wife: his head just spun around

Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man

What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock

When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America

*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.

Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.

excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries

me, interrupting a couple fighting

I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.

Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?

you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”

*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them

Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.

I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info

ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.

BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-

[wall breaks down]

SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY

BATMAN: No.

ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE

Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..

Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.

Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?

What’s faster than the speed of light?

A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.

Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?

People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.

nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there

[5 minutes later]

me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet

Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?

If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?

my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay

I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.

[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]

I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.