5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
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Am I married? I got trapped in my jean jacket once and panicked cause I couldn’t take it off, what do you think?
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
Why did they call it painting your toenails and not graffeeti
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
Forever 21… pounds overweight
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.