5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
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Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
they used to be called swing states. now they’re called battleground states. just another example of our sex-negative culture
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.