5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
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*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
“You don’t like my cooking? You’ll be hearing from my lawyer!” – Sue Chef
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion