5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
This can never not be funny 😭😭
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
My husband made me mad so I sent him to a store that closed a year ago to buy something they stopped making two years ago
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
I got a call the other day from my daughter asking if I could keep her kids over the long weekend so I said that would be fine
I don’t have a daughter, so some poor bastard is getting stuck with kids this weekend that he’s not ready for
[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
People talking about Gen X being angry about having to buy music when half our collection was downloaded for free from Napster.
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
