5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
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*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
hey boy are you the sun because you were a big part of my life this summer but now i feel like i never see you
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.