5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
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Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction