Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I know so many people with cats and only a tiny number of them went to a shelter and picked out a cat.
Everyone else I know with a cat has a story that’s like “yeah he just moved in.”

I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.

Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed

Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?

Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic

[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”

My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.

Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.

moms in horror movies

I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.

#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes

My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.

Ask me how I know.

Job interview…

H- “So how would you describe yourself?”

Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..

*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*

This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.

My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?

[being murdered]

me: this is free, right?

will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break

11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.

Me: Why?

11: To practice making sounds.

Me: You mean notes?

11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.

Lucky us.

Worst perfume name ever.

Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other

[Ouija Board]

“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”

Ｙｏｕ＇ｌｌ ｄｉｅ ｓｏｏｎ

“OMG HOW”

Ｈｏｌｄ ｏｎ Ｉ ｈａｖｅ ａｎｏｔｈｅｒ ｃａｌｌ

Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”

Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*

WORM 911: what’s ur emergency

FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD

WORM 911: u need medical help?

FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.

Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.

I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.

*kicking in your front door*

I’M GONNA REARRANGE YOUR FURNITURE IT LOOKS STUPID

My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.

I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.

So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.

“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.

Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.