5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
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Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
3% human
97% stress
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
My coffee and I used to be hot. Now, we’re just bitter.
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
The best part about your kids being sick is you get to see exactly how shitty you’re going to feel in 48 hours
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
We decided to have money instead of children.
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
so awkward to break up with a friend at the Renaissance Fair who is the back-half of your Centaur costume 😥
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
Someone has just suggested that when we check-in cases, we should put a label on them that states their destination. Absolute game changer.
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.