5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
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ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
In the 1970s my father stole a piece of an Irish castle. Mum was horrified and hid the column under the bed. Forty years later, to the great pleasure of the castle museum curator, she returned it. After she died, we found pictures showing she returned it to the wrong castle.
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
Shoutout to professions in fantasy stories that have ominous, threatening, badass names.
To hell with job like fighter or thief. You’re a HELLBLADE. What does that mean? Duh. It means you blade hells. If there is a hell, you will blade it. They will never understand your work
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
A holiday of 20 days, 6 countries and the first thing my kid says after being back is “ah I have missed my own toilet”.
oh. I see you’ve gained some weight.
-my mirror
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel