5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
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Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about
Me when I try to be useful
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
A seller on Amazon just paid me for a 5 star review. I feel guilty. Don’t listen to me if you’re checking out the Emotional Support Pizza Blanket
A new survey shows that most Canadians want homes and pets rather than marriage and kids. Especially people who are already married with kids.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.