5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
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Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
How dude HOW?!
asked where the oysters were from and the waitress said “the sea”. never change, atlanta
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
I wish I loved anything as much as teenage baggers at the grocery store love treating my fruit like it was made of adamantium.
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks