5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
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If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
How tf did it end up there?
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
My family gathered to speak to me about my obsession with the Greek gods. Call it divine intervention.
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
She said she wanted to eat at “the most expensive place in town” so here we are at the stadium concession stand.
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
i am not “quiet quitting” i am suffering from third-degree burnout
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
SONOFA
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft